Tribal Wise Woman.

There is something special about being over 50. I always looked forward to this time, feeling it would be a special time when I would be a little more wise and much more relaxed in my life, having less children and family responsibilities, and more time to smell the roses so to speak. Much of my private life of motherhood and the fertile years were spent single parenting my four sons, which brought many joys along with big life lessons and challenges, all of which ultimately have carved out a better me.

I now realize around the age of 50 comes a very important “rite of passage’ for all women, which is marked by the slowing down of and final cessation of her menses. Menopause can bring many mixed feelings for a woman, and sadly this last rite, when she can finally come back to herself, is often not only uncelebrated, it can be traumatic.

With every rite of passage is a gateway to a new phase of life and this particular rite of woman’s passage is often neglected. Let us look at the preceding rites often called blood rites, to further understand how profound it is for a woman to reach this point when she can finally let go and BE.

Our first rite as a woman is the shedding of the first blood and blossoming of womanhood. In the tribes this was a celebration and I am happy to say after years of western sexual suppression and denial of this hidden aspect of a woman’s life, this trend is having a rebirth. A celebration it should be, coming into womanhood or becoming a young lady is very special indeed.

The second rite of passage for a woman is the loss of her virginity, when she bleeds after having the experience of love making for the first time. In many traditions this happened in the bridal bed, and was highly prized, respected and honoured. With equal rites for men and women and thus more sexual freedom, and less religious guilt attached to premarital sex this tradition is perhaps outmoded. The fact remains however, for all women, the loss of her virginity is a very significant experience/rite of passage in life and hopefully a joyful comfortable and awakening one. This leads her into the exploration of sexual pleasure with a partner and the exploration of relationship in an intimate way.

A woman’s next transition occurs when she gives birth for the first time, and the joyful blood associated with new life and motherhood, a time for celebration in every culture. Riding the of pain of transition experienced prior to the birth of her first child prepares a woman by awakening in her consciousness of the qualities of surrender, determination, endurance, and flexibility necessary for her coming motherhood. Birth can also be a  reminder that with the awakening of joy, pain can easily be forgotten. Some ancient tribes believed the fertile woman or mother bled for the family as a monthly cleansing, and, is a reminder that her womb was ripe with the promise of new life and the continuing of the family lineage.

Not all women choose to or have the opportunity to bear children, however this in no way makes her less of a woman, her natural intuition, creativity and deep feelings often being expressed in other areas of her life.

Her final womanly rite of passage is the cessation of blood, when her menses slow and finally stop, beginning with peri-menopause, then final cessation or menopause and the post menopause time of new beginnings and adjustments to this phase of life. With the changing production of hormones, women once again have personal, psychological, spiritual and physical adjustments to make just as they did during puberty, with pregnancy and breastfeeding and now again during this final gateway. This can bring many mixed feelings for a woman, and sadly this last rite, when she may finally relax her external responsibilities and focus on herself, is often not only uncelebrated, it may be traumatic.

For some, the unstable and changing hormone status will bring uncomfortable symptoms such as hot flashes and insomnia, bringing emotional instability to her changing body. Often due to some of the physical effects of hormonal changes, symptoms such as lowered libido and vaginal dryness can create relationship issues and insecurity. The good news is, all of this can be dealt with and overcome by adopting a healthy lifestyle, using herbs, essential oils and potions, together with a deeper understanding and honouring of her beautiful and complex body.

As a Naturopath I enjoy assisting women through this transition period with the help of natural medicines, spiritual counselling and helpful practical hints to assist a smooth transition.

For some women the fact that they are no longer fertile can bring a form of grief or loss, even if they do not desire more children, it is the door of a wonderful phase of their life closing. With every new door that opens, one closes. However, the gifts of this new period are many.

Perhaps for some women, the most challenging aspect is her changing intimate relationship during this passage of time. If she is not in a deeply open and honest and spiritual relationship she may now find her man is, or she may interpret him, as being impatient or lacking in understanding and empathy for her changing body and fluctuating emotions. Now is a time when she again is on the bridge of change and would be grateful of support, not only from other women but also her man, her life partner and lover, often the father of her children. There is good news on this front, it is possible to experience wonderful love making in this phase of our lives, often more free and fulfilling on a deeper spiritual level – without the need for contraception being a great boon. Talking about it often helps!

In ancient cultures menopausal women are entering the doorway to become the wise one’s, the grandmothers, the hag or the crone (not my favourite terms I must say), the elders of the tribe or community. They have spent the innocence of childhood, the sweetness and passion of youth and the following fertile years of motherhood and sensuality and passion of sex in relationship. The wise woman bleeds no longer for her family and can relax back into herself, meditate and share her creativity and wisdom in new and different ways with the community. Fear not; becoming an elder does not have to mean old, decrepit, or lacking in vitalitiy – the wisdom born of years can be very alive, very creative, and dynamic in a more gentle and wholesome way.

Traditionally she now has time to slow down, becoming a foundation stone of strength and wisdom for her larger family and community.  By now most women have found their path in life, and are content to find a new sense of balance with their changed energies. If she finds herself alone at this time, she may really appreciate support of loving friends, extended family and nature.

In the west it is at this time in life women now may have time for service to the community working for charity or sharing their knowledge and gifts more freely with the community. This gives a tremendous sense of self-worth to many people, and the much needed help, and hands of service to many wonderful charities serving the communities here and abroad.

In India in ancient times the wise ones retire from family life to the forest to live out their days with a simple life in an Ashram or hermitage spending their time close to nature and their personal God in prayer and meditation.

Becoming a grandmother or aunty is another important role in assisting and sharing and caring for the young ones. Now grandmother/elder, she has or should have earned the respect of the younger ones. She can become the story teller, the confidant, the one who listens and does not judge as she has walked the path and made her mistakes, learned from them (hopefully), explored her passion, her body, her sex and the sacredness of birth and motherhood and the coming of wisdom.

Sadly though, this is not always the picture in modern society. Transition times for women do bring insecurity issues up particularly around self-love, self-acceptance and what beauty really means to us. Somehow the MIND believes wrinkles only look good in photographic depictions of tribal people of unknown character, not ourselves. Wrinkles are considered quite unfashionable unfortunately. I personally prefer to call them character lines. However the Feminine ego is proud and the body beautiful does not seem to embrace our ‘womanly character lines’. Desperate to hold onto the passion and sex appeal of youth at all costs, many of us get caught up striving to beat the illusive enemy of time, with beauty treatments, nips, tucks, colour, make-up, hormone replacement, Botox, mature age IVF and surgery.

Media certainly does not encourage graceful aging and paints even our older women figureheads with android like faces without blemish or a stray grey hair, often heavy with make-up and in perfect stance instead of embracing mature natural beauty.

I have always admired Meryl Streep as a woman of substance who does just this.

The Desiderata, an ancient poem gives perfect Counsel, ‘Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth”. As an elder or grey hair we are beautiful, in fact many may say we are more beautiful, more authentic, more appealing than ever before. I feel this.

Now having entered these sacred years of the wise one myself, with a few grey hairs, I feel my energy relaxing, and I now choose more time doing the things I really love; music, travel, meditation, my writing, gentle yoga, gardening and contemplation on the mysteries of the universe. Life it seems will not go on forever, as we all foolishly believed in our youth, each moment seems a precious gift or present. Each moment precious and maintaining the delicate balance of our life more important than ever. I find I am more conscious in choosing the people I spend that time with. My family and husband have become more precious to me as has my time alone and in Nature. I cherish my early morning time spent with my personal sadhana (personal spiritual practice) of Yoga and Meditation and that early morning chai with my darling husband.

With one young son of 11 still at home, I am an older mum, but a wiser one and a more patient one. I also have to say having one child and sharing him with 2 dads is very different to having 4 on my own. Life is much more relaxed and we are more relaxed about most things around the household.

My personal wish for this phase of my life is to continue to travel for several months of the year and share all I have learned with as many people as possible, my wisdom, and my life’s and my stories some funny, some sad and some tragic but all of which have made me who I am. I then love to return to my garden and share time with the flowers, trees and beautiful creatures that grace it.

I am very happy to reach this more relaxed and peaceful period of my life.

I am also blessed to able to share this with my beloved husband Terry.